i was right..happiness was never here to stay


you said u're serious abt me
i would be ur last
the most important person
someone u love deeply
i felt so loved

why is it that all i get at the end of the day
is ur mistakes revealed
right before me

to make me realise
i'm not tt important
not loved that deeply by u
not worthy of ur sincerity

u lied i lied.
forgave u like how u forgave me
still i love you anyway

no matter how many lies from u unleash before my eyes
i love u anyway

are all these signs from god.
maybe he know i wasnt happy in this r/s
he knows i wanted more
is it really just me wanting more
or is it
u're just giving me too little?

i tried to believe that we're still meant to be
after all that
still i love you


i noe people make mistakes
ur mistakes are mistakes made from ur heart
ur mistakes hurt my emotionally
never physically

each time u do something wrong
i'm not angry w/ you
just that i push all ur doings back to myself
thinking maybe it's my fault
i deserve it
was more angry w/ myself
just that
i was throwing my anger w/ myself on u

sorry
but
i love you anyway

maybe it's all god's will




i'm not worthy of u
i'm not worth having u to do stuffs for me
i'm just not meant for u


sorry for all the agony
i've caused

just remember
i love you anyway


i'm not angry w/ u
but w/ myself
it's all my fault
should have closed one eye
should have been understanding
should have been more gentle
shouldn.t have been so vulgar and harsh

somehow i wish i could just shut my eyes
count to three
and everything would be alright

but that's never gonna happen
tired it in the past but of no valid
things just keep happening btw us


sorry
but i love you anyway

i feel like killing myself!
just becoz i'm not having any test tmr..i slacked my entire day away!i feel like dying!how how?

i'm always studying at the wrong time.ppl enjoying den i study.when it's time to really study i'm slacking! kill me somebody please just kill me!

ahhhh! and i had 4 BAR ZHANG today.my dear granny makes fabulous BAR ZHANGS and i cant resist it! ahhhh!!!! kill me please somebody!


i feeling super guilty lahs.and i gained 1/2kg! i'm feaking sad but i just cant stop eating! kill me!!!!!


i wanna die badly~!




.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
..
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
ok...maybe not.lols.i still wanna chiong w/ my darling jamie and peeps!BAHS.


ok..maybe i should stop ranting and just do something!BLEAHS BAHS BLEAHS!


this is what u get when u're weighing freaking heavy and still gained 1/2kg!



anyhow.i freaking hate my eyebrows.i look like LAH PI XIAO XING. *pouts*
EEEEEE!

oh yay!i'm back as promised on every friday.=))

i think i've been slacking my ass off lately.nv study much this week.shite man!BAHS!
how?cant be top student liaos.='((

shite lahs.how?feel like slapping myself and i've been vulgar lately..i've been a naughty girl lately..why???..i think it's coz of stress lahs.is it?...i dono!

someone help me CAN?!!

hais.my friends keep saying i smart and everything and if i dont get good results..it'll show it all!i'm just an empty nutshell!BOO!

ok..maybe i am lahs.lols.=pp
but no! i wanna have a good start in poly!good results..good conduct and good friends!
but lidat how can?..slacking...slacking= no more dreams of being good!

yesterday was a sad day..first..i dono who wrote on the desk tt i suck..well..i dono if it really meant tt coz it seems like an unintentional case.lols.long story.my friend wrote my name on e desk last last week..and mayb tt person was bored n wanted to continue w/ it.so he wrote 'suck'..cant possibly ask him to write 'rocks' right?mayb he doesnt even know me..hais.but it's saddening..i noe i sound so self-deceiving.but if it's really someone who hates mi...den sadness.what have i done?i swear i didnt offend anyone lahs.hais.sadness fills mi.='((


and i dono why...i cant wait for the holidays!keke! and i'm freaking scared and nervous about my term test but i just cant seem to get my ass moving and study!

hais..all i wishing for is tt i'll have e last minute kick to study during the weekends and chiong all the way!=))

and then i can spend a lovely holiday w/ dear.it seems tt we havent been spending quality time together.always meet him at his hse after sch and then we'll sleep and we'll wake up and i'll go home!so exciting~! -.-"

hope dear will pull thru this crisis!but he must have the determination to do it coz i cant help him w/ tt.else he'll think tt i mind him being broke or smt.but i'm not..it's coz i noe he feels really sad when he's broke.who wouldnt???

and he doesnt receive allowance from his parents..he's on his own.not like me.no money just wait for the new week to come n i'll be loaded again.he's different.poor baby!=((

it's ok..i believe he'll always have a way! broke or rich i'll still stay by his side!







love don't cost a thing ("v")s

oh hey! i'm back to blog on an early morning!
just finished my studies coz i've slept my saturday away.AGAIN!..i so hate myself for that!

anyhow.met dear on friday after school..he's license gonna be suspended i guess..for speeding.but i still pray tt it wont happen.coz i know he'll be real sad n troubled.ok.we're fine now.mayb he had gotten my msg thru and we're happy!i hope i'm not speaking too soon yeahs?..he bought mi a mickey bag for our 32nd month



and i bought him a cushion from my sch fair---stating to love me more..and a ILOVEYOU letter cushion?lols.yups.




today's our actual 32nd month together!=)).
how did we do it???ahahas.coz i'm nice and patient.=pp.nahs.i also dono..i guess it's his love for me??lalalas.so er xin right?lols.dun say le.

friday we had a tiff coz he in bad mood n i in a very sad mood.was my fault so we just face away frm each other while sleeping den he hugged mi.*blushing and arhm cio-ing* right now.lols.

wat makes mi happy is tt he took the initiative to hug mi!=pp


yes! this is wat i want from him! INITIATIVE!

i still hope tt things will get better and more attention for me and tt it'll stay tt way once it happens.=)).

i don't like one second happiness!..=))

yes.i'm back on fridays!

was SAMANTHA's birthday on wednesday.didnt get to mi her to give her smt i made for her.=)).happy birthday to her.i noe i'm late but i've already sms-ed her on tt day itself le.=)).LAO NU REN.muahahas.we're in e same boat.lalalas.

have been busy lately.doing tutorials and researches and catching up on note writing.yups.exam's in one week's time.gotta buck up coz i think i'm quite slack lately.lols.shite me!..

feeling moody lately..
sometimes i wish he could pay more attention to me even thou i cant spend time w/ him.i believe by not meeting he'd be more concerned abt me.but i was wrong.he doesnt seem to have my attention.i sound like some attention seeker.hais.sometimes i tell him stuff and he just doesnt gimme e replies that i want.when i'm sad and scared..he doesnt comfort me....COZ HE DIDNT READ MY SMS-es PROPERLY.hais.why?he's e one who is free and i'm e one who's busy yet y cant he show more attention towards me?..i just feel like we're one mile apart now.noe tt he's free he doesnt make an effort to make mi happy.when he is in camp he says he misses mi.

i jus dun understand why girls who treat their boyfriends like cow dung can have a boyfriend who is willing to do things for them all e time.making breakfast for them..waiting for the girl's sch to end and just fetch her home.i noe i stay very far..but even at night when we dont talk on e phone.he doesnt make an effort to send mi messages from his heart.everyday is the same old thing.same old sms.hais.maybe he's just tired of everything.but have i ever been tired?..when i pick up a cashcard.i think of him..thinking he had lost his cashcard so i can give it to him then.

does he even think of mi when i'm not w/ him.sometimes when i'm with him..i still feel as thou he isnt aware of my existence.he is always tired.y cant he just sleep early.every night i'll always be the one asking if he's coming to fetch me.

YOU HAVE SO MUCH TIME TO YOURSELF WHY CANT U JUST PUT IN EFFORT TO DO SMT NOW TT U HAVE ALL THE TIME U WANT.INSTEAD U SLEEP PLAY MAHJONG AND THAT'S TT.JUST COZ I DONT HAVE TIME FOR U SO U dont CARE.

W/ FRIENDS CANT READ MY SMS PROPERLY...I JUST HATE THE FEELING TT U DUN CARE ABOUT ME.ALL U CARE ABOUT IS UR LIFE AND HOW U GONNA KILL UR BOREDOM.LAST NIGHT U KNEW I WAS UPSET BUT U COULDNT BE BOTHERED.WHY MUST I CALL U.IF U'RE REALLY CONCERNED U'D CALL ME RIGHT AWAY.FARK EVRYTHING AND MAYBE FARK MYSELF FOR BEING SO WHINY.FARK MYSELF FOR BEING SCARED COZ U CANT BE BOTHERED W/ ME.I'M NON-EXISTENT IN UR WORLD.

maybe all u need is urself..ur friends..ur mother..and not me.since i cant spend time w/ u.
always thot tt distance makes the heart fonder..but no.it's all wrong when it's with u..mayb one day if we dont meet or talk for a week.u might even forget tt i didnt contact you.





i feel it fading in u.maybe i'm already faded..='(
and i'm scared.i want him who is constantly doing things just to make me happy.i guess u're not tt guy anymore.and maybe i'm not tt girl u wanted anymore...


my decision:

just study hard.wont give up my studies for u.coz u gimme e feeling tt one day u might just leave me.i dun wanna be left w/ stupidity and dumbness aft being dumped.

i wont think so much.maybe i should just let it fade..i cant do anything if u cant do anything.i'll not do anything ,anymore.

i'll let u live ur life and i'll live my life too.i wont control ur life anymore.i wont get mad nor sad by u.


this is a promise to myself..coz i feel faded in u.

i guess no many ppl visit my blog coz i dun blog like xiaxue.BOOO!

anyhow.hu cares?lols.i dun have tt much time as her.i guess i'm not e only person nt updating regularly.i guess all my friends are busy adapting to poly life n have little time to themselves!so..i'm not alone



life has becomed more n more hectic as each weeks passes.i just hope i'll pull thru everything.coz i believe a good start can put mi in e right path.althou one can easily catch up or wake up frm their dreamland and chiong all e way but..e results will nv be as good as those who are consistent.but if u're smart...den tt's another case lohs.but amelia here is freaking stupid.blur and slow.so yeah.i nid to put in even more effort in order to get e same kind of results as ppl hu are smart.=))


initially.i kept wanting to top e class.but then i think..if i cant compete with myself in e past.i'm in no freaking position to compete with other ppl.so yeah.my poly studies and attitude towards poly life will all b a challenge i put forward for myself.and if i can handle it.den mayb i'm able to top classes.lols.but hell yeah.i'll just put in my best effor and be contented to be among e top ppl in class.tt's fine liaos.but if i can top..tt will be better.


it seems like every step i'm taking now will contribute to my future..like entry to e U and all tt.so.i cant bring e same secondary sch attitude to poly.i have to jia you!i've been tooo slack in secondary...tt's y i end up in my 6th choice.but i think i like it.just tt e building material module is killling mi with all e cement knowledge.

jamie.lols.next time prepare to hear mi speak abt cement while shopping.coz...we're all stepping on concrete which is mostly made up of cement!

lols.ok.i shall just seal my mouth with cement before i irritate all u ppl with my cement talks.lols.BAH! till then..wait for mayb a week den come back bahs.coz i will be freaking busy with cement affairs~!=)).tata!



and term test is in 3 weeks time! AHHHHHHHHH!!!! and i had horrible chocolate fondue today.the fruits were farking sour.e apple like rot la.'orh lu lu' one! YikEs!

hmm.yes.again here i am updating during my IT lesson.it's blardy boring but i think i'll fail if there's a test.lols.he's toking abt walkie talkie here.rofl.

ok.i always fail in IT test coz i cant farking bring myself to pay attention.comp in front if i dont go online.i feel freaking weird.internet is compulsory if u have a comp if not u dun farking need it anymore.imagine wat u can do with ur comp w/o internet??..

ok ok.crpping my ass off now.


my dearest friend.don't sad okie??..u noe i love you.=))

mayb god thinks it's time for you to go.thou both of u are sad.mayb one day both of u realise tt u all really cant live w/o one another.absence makes the heart fonder..<33s.
wat matters now is tt u still havnt lost ur parents n ur friends.we're all still here..by ur side.dun feel sad just coz u've lost one important person.instead spend more time and give more care n concern to e ppl who are around u n still loving you.ppl who wont ever stop loving u.=))

smile coz u only lost one person in ur life.u didnt lose everyone.=))s


i love you..=))
i noe it's a different type of love.maybe one day i'll be a lesbian.den mayb we can be together n i can give u e love u want.lols.=Xwell..who noes mayb by then u have found someone better.or mayb u'll never b a lesbian.but somehow.i wont rule out any possibilities of me being a lesbian.sometimes guys just dont get it and mayb guys just have 50% of their attention to their girl.not 100%.i dun expect 100%..at least 80%?..hais.

maybe if he had spent more time with u..things wouldnt have turned out this way.

have been neglecting my studies ever since he came out frm army on mc.hais.i think missing him is so much better.althou i noe every night he play mj.but i'll still feel very insecure lo.who noes play mj till half way go find chicken how?not i dun wanna trust him but still will worry de mahs.coz we give our 100% attention to our boy.

you give him ur heart and that's all u can give to him.if that's not enough then you're not enough

i give you my heart and that's all that i can give.if that's not enough then i'm just not enough


hais.i dono.mayb he should be back in army.coz if he's there.there's no blardy chicken there.maybe only real chickens lahs
i noe i'm evil.but evrytime he go out play mj my mind runs wild.n i think i've been really weak these days.been ill lately.hais.why why???

he doesnt seem to be mine...only mine...feel as thou i'm sharing him with others.

always say he no time.dono wat to do.den cant he think of doing things to make mi happy now tt he noes i'm farking insecure???!!!!



hais.guys are just no-brainers!not him alone.but majority.at least there are still guys who have brains.=)).but they will nv be mine..they always love girls who treat them like dust luhs.is this life??ppl always dont see the good things which belong to them but only see other's good stuff n b envious..

but i do see e gd side of him.then wat..every day just think of wat he has done for mi b4 long long long long time ago????...just think...den might as well everyday stay home think..den dont mit lohs.since thinking is good enuff.meeting is just a waste of time lahs.might as well i stay home study.everytime just say say say..say i care but nothing can be seen.hais.i farking pissed n fed up luhs!










i feel like dust..